Friday, December 22, 2006

Crazy Days of Christmas

You can't actually see ME, which is a good thing as I look like crap in this picture. However, the sign gives you an idea of how my trip to town went, I would have LOVED to have either of those two items today.

We'd planned to go to the mall, however, when we got about a mile from there, and saw that the line of cars waiting to get into the parking lot was at least that long, my husband and myself decided that discretion was the better part of valor and our small stash of Christmas cash would be better spent on gifts instead of bail money. So, we turned around and scooted back the way we'd come, and I found out that the ULM Starbucks has some pretty spiffy coffee. Yeehaw, go Warhawks! *gag me on THAT* but that's a different blog.

Off we did trot to ze Hellmouth as fast as our caffeine enchanced tootsies allowed which, if you must know is pretty darned quick. Go Java! Once there, hubby immediately made me go with him to toys. I've hypothosized (read ranted) that everything in the Hellmouth is centered around the toy and/or the electronics department so that to reach what you need you must pass these two things and therefore, you have to listen to your child/man whine that he needs this or that toy. I know this to be true as I've spent the last 16 years of my life in the possession of these two things--a child or man.

My husband could absolutely LIVE in the toy and/or electronic department. If he's not in one, he's in the other. I can get lost in this store, disappear *snaps* like that. He, on the other hand, will always in one of these places, scoping out the kewl new action figures *coughs* dolls *coughs* or else digging in that Hell's Pit of retail, the Bargain Movie Bin.

That's right, ladies, if your hubby goes missing, just trip right over to that section of the Hellmouth and I bet you'll see his legs waving around in the air as he's diving for D-Class dreck disguised as watchable cinema. Priced to move, this stuff will make into your living room where you'll be subjected to the antics of Bill and Ted, Bob and Doug, Dumb and Dumber, and Me Myself and Irene, a threesome from Hell if ever there was one, then again this is Hellmouth we're talkin about. I'm not sayin that there aren't some diamonds in the rough there, like Better Off Dead (ooh John!) or Big Trouble in Little China, which are classic cult hits, but they're few and far between and not worth the me having to tow him out of that pit by his ankles time and again.

However, today, he promised me that he had a game plan, he even had on his game face. Ha! The face lasted until he got out of toys and into electronics. Ooh, says he.. movies. "NO!" I say. "We have enough movies." But but but.. as he stutters, I attempt to tow him away from the endless array of movies. Alas, I failed and we brought home two more. Blech. Therefore I left him and went in search of the that mythical unmentionable .. a bra that fits.. HAA AS IF! However, it does make him flip out when he can't find me because I'm in the ladies' fitting room cursing beneath my breath as I fight with lycra and spandex two materials which I know where invented in Hell and wasn't the bra invented by a man? I come out of the fitting room to see the clerk giving me the worried 'OMG you've got a stalker' eye and look to see him standing there scowling. I smile and hold myself back from running him over with my cart; (more than once) put back the other five bras and keep the one that sort of fits. Yay me (pah)

Then we go and get ________ (this part of the blog has been censored due to evil nosy teen girl who may read) after that it's a bit of grocery shopping, a flyby trip to the book store, and then off to eat and HOME!! Oh no.. wait.. the dollar store for some bags then HOME!! oh dear wait... he wants me to go to the hometown Hellmouth. *sigh* Sometimes, I think he's addicted or more accurately possessed. I am going to have to see someone about this fetish of his.

Then, finally after seeing that my daughter is safely at McHell, working the window like the little minion she is, we finally oh finally come HOME! I'm ready to kill him until.. he puts on an elf hat with a bell on the end, sneaks off and wraps a present for me and smiles as he asks me with the biggest, shiniest, most Christmas-y eyes I've ever seen on a grown man if I'd like to shake it.

Sighs.. I've gone and caught the Christmas Cooties from my hubby the luv bug and I wouldn't have it any other way.

Merry Christmas Yall

Jenna Leigh

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