Saturday, December 09, 2006

Ho Ho Ho .. oh Just Shoot Me!

Just shoot me… Honestly, why in the world did I let my hubby talk me into going shopping today of all days? Of course, I did need to get those last minute Christmas gifts out of the way. *pauses* Ok, if the truth be known, I needed to get ALL my gifts.. Yeah yeah, I hear you, go ahead and boo at me. I'm no scrooge, I like to give, but I hate to shop. Factor in that I’m a princess of procrastination, a champion of puttin’ off today what I'll wait til the last minute to do next week and you have a retail disaster of epic proportions. And today, was no exception.

First of all, I'd told the darling teen queen of mean that she couldn't come with because..
One: She had to be to work at McHell by six and this would severely curtail my shopping time as I didn't get off work til 1: 30.
Two: We planned on buying the little darling some presents today. How the crap do you get the nosiest child on the planet, nay, in the known universe anything when she's right there asking Whazzat? Huh? Is it for me? Can I have it now? I don't need things under the tree? Please, come onnn!
Not that I actually have my tree up. *sighs* Yeah, I'm the grinch, sue me.

Our first stop was the mawl. I purposefully use my regional pronunciation of this word to both entertain you and show what it can do to the unwary shopper. Yes, mawlllll. We say it like that down here in the deep south. But beware, you can be mauled if you go in there without being prepared to wait in line and/or deal with twits who have no clue as to their main purpose in life. This purpose, I'm sorry to tell ya, is to serve ME! That’s right, Jethro and Jethra, you ain’t there to file your nails, chew bubble gum and roll your eyes. You are to step up to the counter when I walk up to it, and ask me if you can help me. I got the money, you got the time, savvy?
So, I spent no money in the mawl except at the lovely wonderful Starbucks *big caffeine grins* as they know how to treat an addict, I mean customer. They even write my name on my cup with a big fat black marker and everything. Besides, I didn't find jack crap. Eh.

However, hubby successful in another unnamed store, albeit peeved about his experience. While I distracted evil child with food, he hoofed it down the midway and got er.. something. He told her, I’m buying this and need to hide it from someone that’s with me. She smiled widely and stuffed it in the bag with a conspiratorial wink and then proceeded to spritz it with the store perfume thereby giving what amounts to the BAT SIGNAL to all and sundry, especially my child what's in the bag. He grumbled about listening to the whole spiel without even getting a glimpse of the signature sexy women in the glittering bras and wings. He was most put out about the whole project. I bought him a muffin in Starbucks to make up for it and I only ate half of it. Ahh, I feel the Christmas Spirit welling up inside of me..

Then, we went to get his frickin comics. *waits for an eternity after he goes inside*
Dear God Mama, what's he doin in there?
Go get him
Lemme out I will
OMG, I'm gonna die... *whines, wails, gnashes teeth*
*ten minutes after hell freezes over he comes out* What are yall glarin' at me for?
Nuthin.. just get in the car, Daddy before we die of hypothermia. (she can get all uppity when peeved you know)

And then we're off.. to saints preserve us.. the Hellmouth. I go in and immediately start looking for presents. Hubby stays with me, daughter takes off to parts unknown. She has her cell and hubby has mine, why? I have no idea as he doesn't know how to use it. It's in his pocket, it rings and vibrates, but he won't answer it. I ask why, he just stares at me like a deer caught in the headlights. "Uh.. what?" Making me snatch it from him and snarl in the middle of the Hellmouth. Does he not know they will pull me into the fold thinking I am one of the devil's own? Sheehs! However, I get pressies.. so I am soothed for a moment.. til HE DISAPPEARS! I turn and he's vanished, then he gets all iffy saying we did it. Well, no, not even.

Then the freak insists I go into BAMM. I am too tired for a round with Book Nazi and Moth Man, however, I did get Broken by Kelly Armstrong.. Wahhooo! I reread Industrial Magic today and it was as good as I remembered. I'm going to read Haunted as I've never gotten around to it. Love those books. Where was I? Ooh yes! He stopped at the Raisin Canes (blech) Got his icky food that he makes me hold so he can eat while driving (double blech)

And the race to Strop City is on! We make it just in time for daughter's work.. she changed in the back seat. *sighs* She gets that from her grandmother, I swear. Then he takes me to the Hellmouth in our hometown. Two trips to Hellmouth in one night! I think I need an exorcist.
Or more likely a good divorce attorney.

My heart my grow three sizes
but it shrinks right back the day after Christmas

Jenna The Redneck Grinch

No comments: