Sunday, August 12, 2007

Hellmouth a Safe Haven or.. Big Brother?

During the bad stuff that happened on Friday we fled to the Hellmouth. The fact that it became a refuge of sorts is scary in of itself, but it got me to thinking what if? And for a writer--me anyway--that's a dangerous thing.

What if the Hellmouth became Big Brother and started scanning your genitic code when you came in the door? Think about it. Those big grey monolithic thingis are sitting right there. You don't really think they're just for scanning CD and DVD's do you? Oh come on people! Get with the paranoia program! Slide on down my psychopath. You know you want to. It's easy just avoid the potholes though they're a bitch... and so am I. *grin*

Picture it:
The Nananator walks in the door and the place explodes! *snicker* Okay, seriously. Her skin emits a certain odor, a smell, or phermone that's picked up by those innocent grey things we all walk between because we're honest folk. As she does so, a silent alarm goes off, and lights flash red in the darkest abyss in the furthest reaches of the bowels of Ze Hellmouth. They immediately know. IT'S THE MAGPIE! TIME TO RESTOCK ALL THE SHINY SHIT AND THE SHOES!

Aisle 1: Captain Capitalist?
CC: Yes, Red One?
Red 1: We have two more blips on our buy-dar. They are somewhat like the Nananator but slightly altered by their different genetic backgrounds. One has been contaminated by vast quantities of cocoa beans and the other is so tall she simply stepped over sensors, however, we've got their files on record as. *pauses and takes a deep breath* Jennzilla and The Amazon Teen Queen of Mean!

Red 1: Yes Captain! I'm um.. standing right here, you don't have to yell. *mutters* idiot.
CC: Tell the Stockers to get out there and make sure we have plenty of THAT ONE'S favorite books on the shelves, chocolate, and for the love of legumes, can someone find some Peter Pan peanut butter? If I have to listen to her whine about the lack of it again, I may jump ship! *peers at the camera* Wait, Teen Mean is going into the dressing room and dragging Jennzilla in with her! The grandmother is wiggling the knob....

Red 1: Leapin' lingerie, they're trying on bras! F... falling prices, did she just throw one over the top of the door?

CC: She did! This isn't Petticoat Junction! Send someone around to..

Red 1: Wait, it slid down. Uh oh, it fell on the Nananator's head and she's staggering around blindly! She's going to run into the wall-o-smartass tee's!

*all gasp*

Red 1: Wait, they let her in. *sighs in relief* Good.

CC: Good? Are you mad? Now all three are in there together! There'll be parish wide panic!

Blue Leader: Captain, there's a phone call for you. It seems that Jennzilla's ally, Jethro the Redneck Jedi, the leader of the Rebel alliance has staged an attack at the Strop City branch of the Hellmouth with his DarthDaddy and the DiaperDemon Spawn. Even now they're hiding action figures,rifling through the baseball cards, and letting the Demon Spawn dive into the bargain DVD bin for the 'good shit they hide at the bottom.'

This report just in: Demon Spawn screamed the words "No damn cookies for Biddy!" and her eyes flashed red to match the lightsaber she hit Jethro with when he bent down to get her shoe for the five (hundreth) time. A lady fainted at the violence, or it could have been because she called him, "Boobah ahhshool' I wonder if that's a demonic chant?


CC: You're a spy!

Blue Leader: I'm not a spy! I'm just passing information.

CC: Oh but you are! Otherwise why would you call our fine store the Hellmouth?

Blue Leader: Ha! I'm more than that. I'm Jennzilla's first cousin twice removed. Long live chocy and Peter Pan peanut butter you captilist swine!! Bwhahahahhahah.

The Hellmouth will no longer be scanning the genetic codes of their customers as Jennzilla, Nananator and Teen Mean decided to go into the health and beauty department. Let's just say, Nana found some shampoo in a shiny bottle with a pair of flipflops on the back that had beads on them. Her happy shriek shattered the scanners and the eardrums of Captain Capitalist and R1. They were both of course wearing red vests.

Shopping... The Final Frontier.

Jenna Leigh

PS: Blue Leader aka Bobby Lee escaped into the wilds of Union Parish where he's happily awaiting the start of deer season.

1 comment:

Kitta said...

Hmmm . . . Note to self: Never go shopping with Jenn while wearing a red shirt . . .