Monday, April 14, 2008

Say what? Bitter Bayou Babe Rant

This Bitchfest is brought to you by The Bitter Bayou Babe. Yes, that's me, haven't yall been payin' attention?

I went into the Hellmart with JMo--the Bargain Bin DVD Diving Champion of the Universe. I swear, it's like he goes in there for soap, and cannot resist the lure of five dollar DVD's. It's an addiction, mind you, a bad habit, almost as bad as dumpster digging, only you don't get quite as nasty. Although, some of the movies in there would surely make a person have to wash their brains out if they watched them.

I've even been his enabler a time or two, by helping him find cinematic gems like Joe Dirt. *winces* Of course, I'm not that much help since I'm not tall enough to get to the bottom where the good stuff is hidden. See, I told you it's like dumpster diggin'.

However, I usually let him DVD dive solo while I go look at the important stuff, like socks and undies. I'm always having to replenish the former because my evil teenager steals my socks. Mozilla, the teenaged sock stealing demon, aka the Sock-i-bus, (oh shut up, you laughed) has larger feet than mine and wears black shoes, so when (ha!) I do get them back their stretched and stained beyond repair. Thankfully, our undie preferences don't mesh--I bet she has some made of this material too, ew--or I'd be going commando as often as I go Crockett. *blatant 80's TV Cop show reference*

This weekend, I had a much more northerly goal in mind so I ran off as I JMo muttered, "Ooh, Airheads is only five dollars? I have a copy, but what if I need a back up? Jenn, gimme five dollars!"

That's right, I needed a new bra. Oh, the horror, the humanity.. ..hey, they were on sale! I snatched a few likely suspects off the shelf, but wasn't sure of the size since I've lost some weight. I even took some jeans with me to see what size I could fit into. As I walked, a small person sidled up beside me. And I mean way into my personal space. I tried to ignore her, but she suddenly.. GROPED ME! OMG OMGGGGGG! EEEK! I want my mommy! *pauses* Wait...for the love of.. it IS my mommy. She laughs evilly, then runs off into the depths of the huge store talking about getting my aunt some paint. I didn't even hear the Jaws Theme music that time, my mama-dar must be broken.

With my fist fulla bras I scurry to the dressing rooms before I see any more of my kin, but the lady stops me and tells me that Hellmart no longer allows bras to be tried on. The hell? My boobs do not conform to the factory specs for bust or cup size, nor do most women. Then there's the difference in each brand of bra, each kind of bra etc. And get this when I asked if I could bring it back if it didn't fit, the lady said she didn't know. I tell you what, if I can't try it on in the store, and I can't bring it back, I ain't buying it. I calmly put the bras back and left the department, then had to wait for the DVD Diver to finish his treasure hunt to the bottom of the bin.

Hellmart just upped the stakes, but I have not begun to fight.


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