Thursday, April 24, 2008

Interview with the Baby Vampire

You hear about people interviewing their characters all the time. I've never been able to get into it until I was trying to do my logline/tagline for Dateless and it just happened. So, here it goes, in a channeling her strange little I'm a freaky baby demon mindset type of way.

Gabby, Supah Secret Agent Baby's cunning plan involving Gah(Sharlene) and Cah (Cade)

1. Jump on Gah and suck her face until it bleeds. Then, trap Gah in the backseat of Cah's truck and whack her with my rattle until she sees stars. It made her look all goofy like my mommy does when my daddy kisses her. *gag* But then she screamed and so did Cah. I laughed.

I'm the best at bad backseat behavior.

2.Make faces at Gah until she gives me soda to drink. Smirk about this because she knows she's not supposed to do it. Meet a new man in with blonde sticky up hair who smiles a lot. I smile back, then growl and spit and hiss. I am what my mommy calls 'sugared up' from the soda. Yay! But I don't like the new man. Cah said I could bite him.

Who is Rosemary? My mommy's name is Allie.

3. Next time I see Gah, I grab her and try to pull her bathing suit top off. This wasn’t really part of the plan but, I bet Cah would give me some of his cheese crackers if I did it. And if I couldn't, there's always biting...again. Maybe I'll bite the new man with the sticky up blonde hair. Mommy, I think maybe your name is Rosemary.

Hey, do I hear bees?

4. Bat my eyelashes at Gah when I see her in the grocery store, then cry my no-fail fake tears for which I've won the Diva Diaper Demon Awards. This way she’ll take me from my mommy, and then, I can con her into giving me some of her ice cream. Okay, yes, this one was just for me, the heck with Cah’s crappy crackers.

I happen to like my baby rap songs. Baby G's in the hizzhouz!

5. Make Mommy take me to Gah’s house and then stick passie in her mouth watch the boring 'Fewd Netwuk' with her til she goes to sleep and I can take all her good DVDs. Hey, this diaper bag is good for more than just diapers. Ooh, Blues Brothers, it shall be mine.

I'm on a mission from Mom.

Love ya,

The Smallest Member of
The Neighborhood Inquisition
(Like you didn't know!)

PS: My daddy made me leave before I could see if all my plans worked. I was so mad, I waited til he fell asleep and gave him twirly hair. I do it all the time, so I'm good at it.

Sunday, April 20, 2008

Where is The Wolf's Heart?

According to Deshanna, it's in Kansas City! And she took this photo despite the great danger to herself. *snickers* Oh shut up, I'm sure there was danger of some kind, she could have sprained her finger pushing the button on the camera or something! Work with me, people!

Our supah spy wasn't scared though, this is why her code name is No Fear Fox.. she sends out massive amounts of survey questions in a single email. And um.. and she's a major fox. Yes, anyway, moving on from weird stalker author suckuppage to the real stuff.

Thanks so much to Des, for both the picture, and the fact that there's one less copy of The Wolf's Heart in that Borders because of her. While she does offer me great distractions in the form of the aforementioned surveys when I can't write (or just need a reason to procrastinate), I do learn lots about all my friends, and it's a great way to keep in touch. But most of all she's always encouraged me to keep writing by being a friend who is also a fan.

Now it's my turn. I look forward to reading her work one of these days and will be honored to be a fellow LOS'er alumni with her. Hope to see you in the funny papers; and on the shelves very soon, Des. Please don't make me stalk you for real. You know I can.


Monday, April 14, 2008

Say what? Bitter Bayou Babe Rant

This Bitchfest is brought to you by The Bitter Bayou Babe. Yes, that's me, haven't yall been payin' attention?

I went into the Hellmart with JMo--the Bargain Bin DVD Diving Champion of the Universe. I swear, it's like he goes in there for soap, and cannot resist the lure of five dollar DVD's. It's an addiction, mind you, a bad habit, almost as bad as dumpster digging, only you don't get quite as nasty. Although, some of the movies in there would surely make a person have to wash their brains out if they watched them.

I've even been his enabler a time or two, by helping him find cinematic gems like Joe Dirt. *winces* Of course, I'm not that much help since I'm not tall enough to get to the bottom where the good stuff is hidden. See, I told you it's like dumpster diggin'.

However, I usually let him DVD dive solo while I go look at the important stuff, like socks and undies. I'm always having to replenish the former because my evil teenager steals my socks. Mozilla, the teenaged sock stealing demon, aka the Sock-i-bus, (oh shut up, you laughed) has larger feet than mine and wears black shoes, so when (ha!) I do get them back their stretched and stained beyond repair. Thankfully, our undie preferences don't mesh--I bet she has some made of this material too, ew--or I'd be going commando as often as I go Crockett. *blatant 80's TV Cop show reference*

This weekend, I had a much more northerly goal in mind so I ran off as I JMo muttered, "Ooh, Airheads is only five dollars? I have a copy, but what if I need a back up? Jenn, gimme five dollars!"

That's right, I needed a new bra. Oh, the horror, the humanity.. ..hey, they were on sale! I snatched a few likely suspects off the shelf, but wasn't sure of the size since I've lost some weight. I even took some jeans with me to see what size I could fit into. As I walked, a small person sidled up beside me. And I mean way into my personal space. I tried to ignore her, but she suddenly.. GROPED ME! OMG OMGGGGGG! EEEK! I want my mommy! *pauses* Wait...for the love of.. it IS my mommy. She laughs evilly, then runs off into the depths of the huge store talking about getting my aunt some paint. I didn't even hear the Jaws Theme music that time, my mama-dar must be broken.

With my fist fulla bras I scurry to the dressing rooms before I see any more of my kin, but the lady stops me and tells me that Hellmart no longer allows bras to be tried on. The hell? My boobs do not conform to the factory specs for bust or cup size, nor do most women. Then there's the difference in each brand of bra, each kind of bra etc. And get this when I asked if I could bring it back if it didn't fit, the lady said she didn't know. I tell you what, if I can't try it on in the store, and I can't bring it back, I ain't buying it. I calmly put the bras back and left the department, then had to wait for the DVD Diver to finish his treasure hunt to the bottom of the bin.

Hellmart just upped the stakes, but I have not begun to fight.


Saturday, April 12, 2008

Promo for the JMo!

Yippee Skippy and Send in the Clowns!!

Saturday, April 05, 2008

The Fam-a-razzi Strikes Again!!

The Terrible Trio

It's here again, ladies and gents. That magical time of legend and lore that happens but once a year. When everything sparkles, glitters and shines with the promise of what could be the best night of a teenager's life.

Yeah, I'm talkin' bout da prom.PROM PROM PROM!!!

You know, when the girls get all gussied up and put on 'poofy' dresses that cost way too much damned money for the number of times they actually wear them(ONCE! DO YALL HEAR ME? ONCE!) and boys rent tuxes. So unfair.

I will say this, my daughter's bf came formal gown shopping with us so even though he didn't have to actually buy the dress, he suffered through four and a half hours of retail hell with me. May the Java Goddess bless us and keep us, sane, well, semi-sane anyway. "Yes, we love that dress. That one too *slurp* Ooh! And that one!! *slurp* Omigawd! That one's the best everrrr!" When my picky child chose her dress, me and the bf did the snoopy dance of delight, lemme tell ya. Okay, not so she could see us, because I don't call her the Amazon Queen of Mean for nothin'.

So, the dress was bought, as were the shoes. She and I even went to do the mommy daughter pedi/mani thing, which was great. If I ever get rid of JMo, my next hubby will be one of those damn back massaging pedicure chairs. For real. Anyway. We were set for prom. Except for a little pre-prom rite of passage our dynamic duo has to go through every year. THE ATTACK OF THE FAM-A-RAZZI, in other words, yo nana says it's picture taking time! *groans*

Whenever Mother, Aunt and the Clone get together, the chatter is louder than a murder of crows. Added to that is they think up all these poses and make me run around the ground of our local museum. So, six million five hundred twenty one thousand eight hundred and twelve pictures later, the children finally escaped to the prom. I was even happy to go to the Hellmart can you believe it? My GOD! Now I know why celebrities go ballistic. But not why starlets go sans undies in miniskirts. IMO, that's just begging for some camera guy to take a gyno/eye's view of the forbidden bits.

If your kid is promming it tonight, I hope they have fun and stay safe. JMo and I are trying to ignore the drag of time until our chicklet gets home. I'm just glad she is wearing a) undies and b) a long 'poofy' skirt. But I am a bit worried about the whole strapless thing goin on up top. Seriously, this is Louisiana it ain't been that long since Mardi Gras was over. Beads could be thrown, and then, well yall know what could happen!

Tryin not to think about Prom Night the movie,

Jenna Leigh