Tuesday, October 17, 2006

It rained on Monday.. big surprise..oh, and so was this.. ew!

We all know that Monday's suck, big time, so rain only makes it more sucky. I won't fuss too much, as we needed some of the wet stuff. My daughter who is still a new driver drove home in it, slowly and carefully, which made me very proud. I was cooking chili and pralines *winces as she hears the sound of a far off Sgt Brie scream of joy* Dang! Yes, I can multi-task, I'm a woman.

As I do these two things, I'm looking out the window for her car, once I see it, I go and hold the door open so she can run in, she waves for me to come out, I give her the patented 'EFO it's raining, ain't happening' stare. She sees, my stare with and raises it with an eye roll, and gets out of her car, puts her purse on her shoulder and then.. does something very odd.. *blinks*

She goes and gets a baby carrier out of her back seat. (screams in horror) What the crap?!? I stand on the top step to block her way into the house. "YOU SHALL NOT PASS!"

She plants her fist on her hip and snarls, "Look, Granma Gandalf, back up and let me through. I'm gettin wet and this is for a grade." and shoves me out of the way.

I sputter, "But..but..but.. that thing, is it real? Eww.. it's a baby! Get it out of here! The cat will kill it you know."

The EFO is already at the door staring at it with his tail fluffed out three times its normal size. (Like the Grinch's heart, but it does NOT mean the same thing at ALL!) He sniffs and meows in his tiny voice. It behooves me to point out that EFO is like a certain prizefighter in that he sounds small, but fights and is large.. he bites too. I won't name this fighter because I don't like people that bite off other's ears but he don't endorse grills, yall. However, no matter how tinny his mew, he is evil which he proves within 10 seconds of her sitting this electronic demonic baby(henceforth called EDB) down by swatting it with his paw. If it smells like hell and looks like a demon, it IS demon in his book and he will not tolerate competition for his spot as top demon.. er.. well, anyways.

The Teen Queen shoos him away and flops down on the couch for her half hour veg session during which time she watches the most heinously stupid shows that MTV and/or VH1 can shovel out. At precisely 5p.m the EDB lets out a high tinny wail that I'm sure has been calibrated to travel up and down my spine at the speed of the freak. ACK! Plus, it never closes its eyes! At ALL! Ew..

I would also like it known it has not even been blessed by my lazy assed genes so that it sleeps all the damn time. How dare these teachers give us some alien yankee baby that never sleeps and eats 2 oz of non-existent formula at a time? I tell you what, my daughter drank a whole bottle at 2 weeks and slept the night through. Jeez! Ok, she was 5'8" tall by the age of 12, but what's your point? And it is wearing this pink hoodie that makes it look like nothing so much as those kids in that movie The Brood. EW!!

But, get this, she can't dump it off on me, cause she has to wear this special bracelet that has a microchip in it that matches the one on the EDB.. and it records everything that happens! OMG! It's little sister, and it's watching her! Wow!

This whole thing was for parenting class by the way, which is a good for one thing.. If you don't wanna take care of the cryin lil twits, THEN YOU BETTER USE PROTECTION!!

Her grandfather teased her by saying, you be careful with my great-grandbaby on the way to school now! *snort*

It still looked creepy though.. ick! Just in time for Halloween.. Chuck Lives and he had freak nasty babies to send out to unsuspecting peoples' homes. They wait until you go to sleep then they come in your room and.. *urk*

Jenna Leigh
Who is terrified of dolls, but that stud holding the baby up there makes me feel LOTS better *grins*


Toni Lea Andrews said...

Oh, how funny! I've seen this on sitcoms but never knew anyone who had to do this in real life.

I had nieces and nephews to convince me that offspring, especially unscheduled offspring, were a bad idea. I may have learned the lesson a little TOO well...

Becka said...

LOL, Jenna. I thought you were cooking pralines IN the chili, and I proceeded to think it must be some freaky Suthun thing, since y'all in the South are freaks after all...

(Hey, if Yankees are aliens, then Suthun folk can be freaks. Get over it. LOL)

But then after re-reading it like 5 times, I realized you were making Chili AND pralines. LOL Whew. :D

And dear Lord, I feel sorry for you with that EDB around. How long does she have it for? **shudder**


CRay said...

OMG, Don't let her lose that EDB cause they cost about a grand to replace. How does a parish that can't keep schools open afford these things?
Happy Birthday, hope it was all you could enjoy in one day ;)

Jenna Leigh said...

I dunno, I guess since they consolidated Bastrop and Delta, they can do that sorta thing.. cause we ain't in Union.. we've moved on up ta Ho.. ur.. I mean Morehouse.. *grins*

Mechele Armstrong said...

you know? I hope my school system does something like this. LOL *goes off to check it out*