Saturday, September 23, 2006

Drivin Ms Crazy to the Store.

I'm Ms Crazy and she's Mrs. Crazy..

Ok, so we're a matched set. So what?

Let me let you in on a little secret. I despise shopping for real clothes. I work in a place where I get to wear what amounts to jammies. And, while modern scrubs come in cute colors and prints for girls these days, they are still basically the same cut. Yes, that's right, scrubs are pillowcases with arm, leg and head holes. And no, I'm not talkin sheets, GAH!

Well, I have a function that I have to go to where I have to look 'smart' fashionable, and cute. That would be my book signing on the 30th of this month. If I'm going to bomb, I want to look fashionable while doing so.. Not scrub wearing, grubby, like when I go grocery shopping. I'll wear them then, I so don't care. People don't mess with a scrub wearer at the Hell mouth. They know you've been at work all day and are probably at the end of your tether. (more on that at the end)

Mommy and she's mommy when she has to pick out your clothes, not mother, mama or's MOMMY! I've regressed to being a two-year old. I don't even CARE!--says, sure, sweetie, we shall shop til we drop, and she gets this.. GLEAM in her eye that I can see over the phone.. I can hear it.. it makes a strange sound.. like this MUUUUAAAAAAAAAHHHH!

Factor into it that I'm a big girl.. especially in a certain region of my anatomy.. (They're boobs Ed) and you've got a hissy fit waiting to happen in the racks of a regular store. However, Mommy knows of a store that has mondo kewl clothes as she sees them upon the grand teetons of her co-worker every single day. My mother is observant of the important things, you know. *coughs*

She zooms up in her truck (yes, she's a redneck too!) and kidnaps me and takes me to the store, nice place, reasonably priced and hey, they have a bunch of clothes for women with bazooms.

*Small aside, her hubby calls and says, "Hey, you know what I forgot?" She says, out of the blue.. "The bb gun?" OMG! what in the hell? They're crazy!*

So, I'm in the little cramped hole of a dressing room and she's standing right outside going..

M= Mommy
J= Me

M: Well? *pulling the curtain*

J: Don't open that! I'm nekkid! *jerks the curtain back closed*

M: There's only women here! Chill out!

J: I don't care! Back off! OMG! This shirt looks like something Dolly wore in Best Lil Whorehouse in Texas!

M: It does not.. *snatches the curtain open* finally, she triumphs.. EW!! It does, what the hell? Where did you get those? *points at those in question* I mean, I don't have them!

I'd like to if I've contracted them, like booby VD or something, Jeez! Yes, mother, I caught them in the gym locker room, cause I didn't wear flipflops.. fffth! However, as I'd like to live without the humiliation of having a buttwhippin at the age of thirty *muttermuttermutter* I only say out loud..

J: Harumph! *snatches the curtain back closed* Then I whine cause I have a cute pair of dressy capris with the cuffs, however ,they have that damn freaky button on the inside which I hate, because.. you guessed it, I can't see over the bazooms. *sighs*

M: *taps foot* What are you doing in there? *snatches the curtain open again* Just leave that one undone! I do! You can't see over your bewwbeees! (she sings it, you know)

Then, thank God, she runs off into the store and finds a pair of pants for herself, which show her tiny, nonexistent arse off to full advantage. Yes, that's right Mommy is skinny.. tiny.. petite even!! I'd hate her but she's wonderful.. and she almost got into a fight with two large women who were mocking her when she exclaimed over a pair of pants that she said were, "Gorgeous!"

Ok, she almost got ME into a fight with them. I was innocently cursing buttons in the dressing room. I'd have gotten her back too. I had hangers and I wasn't afraid of using them.

So, I have three, yes, three new outfits.. a pair of dressy capris, denim capris, cute jeans, three tops .. and oh damn.. I forgot shoes..

Close your eyes, Karen.. I'm about to utter the P-word.

I'm bloody well going to Payless, surely they have something that will suit my cheap and tawdry needs. LOL!! Poor Karen, she's been traumatized. Ah well.. She'll like my cute denim capris when she sees them in NOLA next month (yipeee!!), I'm calling em that, not gauchos, DAMMIT!

As to the Hellmouth..

Hubby went to his favorite eatery. He took his food into the store and plunked it down into the cart and hid it under my purse.. *growls* I forgot it was there and walked to health and beauty to get the shampoo, tooth paste etc.

As I did so, I received strange looks and thought, well crap, they can smell these stupid chicken strips.. ew! However, I turn around suddenly and there is this HUGE glowering man behind me.. salivating.

"Why for you take off with my food?" He growls in his deep scary voice. People scatter in the face of Billzilla. He proceeds to treat the trip to the Hellmouth as a picnic. He pushes the buggy up and down the aisles, stuffing his face and throwing things into the buggy while I sip my iced mocha and yes, chill.

I think I'll just give him food on every trip. Sort of like that donkey and carrot trick to make him pull the cart. People moved out of our way because if they got too close, he either glared, or growled. The hubby only gets that way if you come too close to his plate.

In the immortal words of the smartest man on Friends. "Joey don't share food."

Jenna Leigh
Capris, I mean it!

PS: Karen.. PAYLESSSSSS!!!!!

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FeyRhi said...

Jenn I have had a monsterously shit week and you made me laugh out loud. For that I thank you so much because I needed it. ((hugs))

Jenna Leigh said...

I'm so glad my pain and suffering was good for somethin' sweetie.. really.. I am.. (hugs) Hope your week gets better!! Muah.. If it'll help, I'll send hubby, daughter AND my mommy to your house.. that'll make you forget your troubles in no time flat. *evil smile*