Just in time for the holidays.

Kidnaping, raping and killing.. oh my!

Someone sent me one of those warning emails. The good kind of chain letters that tell you to be careful this holiday etc. I decided to blog my reply.

There was a list of things we’ve all read. Dark corners are a no, be alert, watch for freaks, all that there. However, here is a little practical advice for the rednecks(or those with their givadamns busted) among you.

The following must be said in a carrying voice, as a preventative measure:

How frickin heavy your purse is with this huge loaded gun in it. OR How you cannot believe you still have the herpes, that commercial lied. OR How you wished you'd never had that sex change.

Oh and if you are in the mall and you are propositioned for sex for money, don't just give them the look of 'how gross ew freako not even!' Take the chopstix that the nice man from the Chinese carry-out gave you and use them for the purpose God intended. You give him a freakin ureteroscope OR colonoscope OR lobotomy (prolly had that one already tho mm) OR just jam it into any convenient oriface you wish.

Under any Circumstances
Do NOT tell your father(he will have a cow and go to jail for idiotcide)
Do NOT call your insane grandmother (who actually DOES have a flipping gun in her purse GAH!!)
Do NOT tell your mother AFTER she gets to said crazy grandmother's. Tell her at the time of the incident as she knows how to hurt people and not go to jail. (yes me, yall, dang pay attention!)

On a more serious note:

I have a few, lets call them suggestions for when a person is confronted by a would be rapist, serial killer, or garden variety pervo..

1. Pick your nose (if you can bring yourself to consume, do so, he'd prolly hurk and run from YOU) *this is an actual suggestion from a self defense guy, swear, I almost fell out of my chair laughing, but then I thought about it and went mmm and filed it away for this the last 20 years.*

2. Always stay with the group (if you can get my mother to be a part of this group, all the better, *see above references*)

3. Grab the balls, twist, then run like hell. (Laugh if you like, when you've reached a safe distance. If you wish, thumbing your nose, etc may all be employed but I don't really think it's needed. He will be crying if you've twisted them just right, you know, and therefore won't be able to see you clearly enough to appreciate the subtle nuances of what is pretty much the female version of the Touchdown Dance.)

4. Stomp his toes, then run like hell.

5. Scream, loud as loud as you bloody well can. Sound off like you gotta pair (of boobs, not balls, unless you count the ones in your hand that you are at that moment twisting) run like hell.

Are you sensing a theme here? Hmmmm..

6. Tell him that his mother and/or wife is looking for him. It might confuse him long enough for you to get away. (in the case of Norman Bates types, this would make him curl up in the fetal position on the floor, resist the urge to kick him in the balls, just fucking run)

7. If you happen to be Jenn, then by all means give into the urge to bite chunks off wherever you can reach. Spit them out, then RUN LIKE HELL!

8. Watch your babies like evil mama hawks.

9. If in doubt about a person you feel is freaky, beat ass and ask questions later (fine, run, then, pah)

10. Never let someone make you feel guilty for being suspicious of them. And yes, they will try to do so. Women are taught to be polite, we are discouraged to entertain the remote possibility that:

A: We are attractive enough to invite a sexual advance(EG: whatever you ugly biatch as if! pah pah and pah!) *methinks he protestes too much no?*
B: The perp would even THINK of touching us in an inappropriate manner. (I don't see no wings, and unless that bulge in his pants is his halo, well. .JUST RUN!)
C: That you shouldn't just ignore him in hopes he'd go away and thereby not make a scene yourself (bullshit! Leave the vicinity with all haste. Yes, folks, that'd be run like hell.)

If you feel you must apologize, do it in a public setting, if he don't like it? Tell him your friend Jenn said, "Fuck em and feed em fishheads and rice."

Happy Thanksgiving!!!

Jenn