And what is a story but a trip for the mind? Like legal LSD, its a mental trip for you take down a road. If you read one of my books, I've stated up front its a psycho-scenic journey full of zany, quirky characters that will jump out contaminate you with my own brand of weird. I'm contagious, I'm not fatal, but I am terminal.
You can't say I didn't warn you:
Dateless in the Dodge:
Sharlene Hammons didn't volunteer to play the dating game, but that's just what's happened since she moved into Peony Heights. Since then, her so-called friends have paraded a ton of beefcake past her door all in the name of love. When she, Jake and her boss, Cade Barton, go undercover to bust a dating service for its nefarious deeds, she thinks she'll get a break from the madness by pretending he's really her boyfriend. Unfortunately, Cade is a double agent working for the Neighborhood Inquisition.
This excerpt could be subtitled Adventures in Babysitting:
"Damn." She stomped her foot and paced again, putting her hands over her ears for a few seconds of peace. What did she know about babies? When they were wet you changed them, when they were hungry, you fed them. When they cried, you... Sang.
"Hush, little baby, don't you cry." Sharlene warbled to her, crouching in front of her again.
For a heartbeat Gabrielle stopped crying, she sniffled.
"Mama's gonna be back by and by."
At the word mama, her delicate face crumbled and she fell on her back, her head thumping on the floor.
"Oh, no, don't do that!"
She took a deep breath and let out the most horrendous howling noise. "Daaaaaaaa!"
"Gabrielle, please." This was ridiculous. She went to pick her up but the baby jerked away from her. "Look here, missy!" She made her voice firm and got kicked in the boob for her trouble.
"Ow! Fine, if that's how you wanna play it." Sharlene simply lay down beside her so that they were eye to eye.
Gabrielle's cries stopped and this time, they didn't start again. Ah, blessed peace. Her ears were ringing from all the noise; she could sue for hearing damage.
"He is out on a date with your mother. Remember she's the one that carried you for nine months in her stomach, mm?" Sharlene propped her head up on her hand.
"Pfth." Spit was her answer.
More spit slid down her mouth onto the blanket.
"What are you a drool factory?"
"Mmmm." Gabrielle moaned piteously. She popped one of the twenty pacifiers lying on the blanket in her mouth and chewed fiercely on it before spitting it out for another. This went on until she'd exhausted her supply. She eyed Sharlene, as if sizing her up for her next meal.
"What?"Was all she got out before the baby pounced on her. "Ack! Hey, stop that! Ew!"
Gabrielle's mouth gaped open and sucked her whole chin inside. Her tiny gums slid back and forth over her skin. "Mm. mm. Mm." She made little grunting noises as she repeated this process, while her fingers tangled themselves in Sharlene's long blonde hair, all the better to hold her in place.
"My brains are being sucked out through my chin. What are you a zombie?"
"Mmm." This was more like a growl, and she tugged her hair a little harder.
Sharlene lay flat of her back with the baby on top of her like a slightly more attractive face sucker from the movie Alien. However, there was one good thing about this new development. With her mouth full of Sharlene's chin, she couldn't very well scream.
"I am so glad you're happy."
"Yeah, gah to you too." Sharlene's stomach growled, as unlike Gabrielle, she wasn't eating someone’s face. "I'm starving. Do you think maybe we could stop sucking face long enough for me to order a pizza?" She pulled on the baby, got a growl, and increased suction for her trouble. "Ok, fine. But, I'm not explaining the huge hickey to your daddy. You're a little young to be coming out of the closet too. Sheesh."
The doorbell rang, and she struggled to stand, not an easy feat with a small child attached to your face. She peered through the windows on the side of the door and sighed. "Any chance of you letting go for a few minutes?" She stared into the bright blue eyes so close to her own. An extra hard suck answered her and she winced before opening the door. "Hi Cade, what can I do for you?"
Cade stared for a long minute before stepping inside the door. Sharlene’s blonde hair fell in long tangles around her face. Her t-shirt was shoved up, exposing the bottom of a hot pink bra. His brow rose as he took this in, as well as the short black shorts that rode low on her hips. She had a pair of legs that wouldn't quit.
Oh, he knew he shouldn't be looking, but he couldn't quite help himself, besides, she was distracted by the baby sucking her face off right now, so he may as well look while the looking was good. And, it was damn good.
"Cade!" Her voice was muffled, but he caught the pissy tone.
She pulled Gabby back enough to speak clearly. A small squeal rewarded this treatment. "For the third time, do you know anything about babies?"
"Then. Help. Me." The force of her glare helped to quell his libido, somewhat.
"Oh!"He snapped his head back and nodded. "Sure." He held his hands out. “"Give her to me."
"I would if I could. She’s been like this for almost an hour. I can't break the suction, believe me, I've tried." She pulled, but Gabrielle held tight.
"Let me try. C'mon, Gabby." He put his hands around her belly, his fingers inadvertently brushing against Sharlene’s breast as he did so. She jerked and her eyes shot up to his. "S-sorry."
"Touch what you want, just get her off my face. She’s killing me. I swear, I can feel a brain-slide starting and it’s heading for her mouth. I doubt that’s part of her daily diet plan."
He laughed, but she didn't join him, so he tried again, this time avoiding any areas that might keep him in a cold shower tonight. "Gabby, let go of Auntie Shar's chin." He pulled and the baby growled at him. "Hey now."
"Ow! She's pulling my hair." Sharlene went up on her toes following him and the baby. "Auntie Shar, my... Ouch!"
Cade stumbled and they both wheeled slowly toward the couch in a slow motion dance destined for what he knew would end in disaster. "Oh, hell."
"Mmm!" Gabby bit down even harder, her grip tightening on Sharlene's hair.
Sharlene began to hiss, her eyes widening over the top of the baby's head.
"What is it?" He instinctively wrapped his arms around them pulling them close as they fell onto the couch. Her hips slid between his legs, something he would have enjoyed any other time. The soft swell of her breasts pushing against his chest took his breath away, or it could have been the baby's butt pressing against his windpipe.
Then Sharlene screamed, Gabby screamed and Cade wasn't ashamed to admit that he screamed too. Finally, they stopped he lay in the tangle of arms and legs and tears blinking up at the sight blood trickling down Sharlene's face. Blood? The phone rang before he could investigate further.
"Get the phone." She murmured, her voice as calm as always.
Hope you like it.. And if them little freaky symbols are in there.. I DON'T KNOW WHY, I HATE THEM TOO.. *I think they are gremlins*
Travellor of the Psychopath