Thursday, October 27, 2005

My Mother has lost her mind!

I like her, she's fallish, she aint got jack shit to do with my blog though.

Ahem, let me tell you a story, it is an old story, but the retelling of it doesn't diminish the veracity or the impact of what follows. Please, step into my life aka the Jennzone

Jack O' Lantern

My mother, let us call her Nana, as that is what my daughter calls her and it's easier to type. Now, then. Nana is afraid of needles. I mean like really scared. It is a phobia of hers that goes back a long way. She doesn't like them, threading one to sew makes her sweaty and shaky. And, she like cusses and stuff, but that is cause she can't see jackcrap and gets pissed, that is neither here nor there. Where the hell was I anyway?

Frankenstein's Bride

Oh yeah, Mama tells me tonight, I am going to have my eyes done, and you will have to come with, in case I can't drive later. I went, you're going to get your eyes dilated? I can't drive woman, you know this! Gah!!

"I am not going to get them dilated! I am getting my eyeliner permanently tattoo'd on." She sounds smug to me.

"What? You are doing what?" My voice, I confess rises an octave or five. "Mother." I strive for calm. "You are aware they use needles for this, right?" This is the woman that won't come in with ME when I am getting a shot. *snorts*

Scared 1

"Well, no, I did not know this, Jennifer." She sounds all snippy, like only she (and yeah, ok, me! piss off!) can. "I am quite aware of the procedure, I want it done, and I am doing it, and you will drive!!"

*blinks* waits... *blinks a few more times* "YOU ARE INSANE WOMAN!" I am very brave, no? Telling my tiny evil mother she's nuts. *tee hee hee* I am brave as she can't see at night and she lives over thirty miles away. In other words, I am safer than if I were in Fort Knox.

Toungue Out To her, nyah! *looks out her window, just in case*

"No, I am not insane, you are coming w/me and you are holding my hand, I HAVE SPOKEN."

PoutyI am a grown woman, I don't have to mind her, you know. I mean, I am married, with a 15 year old daughter. She ain't the boss of me.

So, this Saturday, I am going to a tattoo parlor w/my freakin mama! Jeez Louise!! Aw, here it goes!

Headlines in the Monroe NewStar will read.

Nana is now too hip to be square.


Woman's daughter is a big old stick in the mud. (film at 11)


OMG! THAT IS ONE BIG ASS NEEDLE OMG OMG OMG! (that'd be my mama, I am sure she is gonna have a cow, I just know it!)

CowGood thing I'm the Grand Moobah huh? Well, I am the Grand Moobah, except when I am with Bessie the Branded Bihotch. (That's my mama, yall)

Jenn, the semifreaked, but mostly proud daughter.


Meme said...

awww, mama's are weird and strange mysteries.

You will be fine you nutty woman, and just think- someday you get to do this stuff to Morgan!


Karen said...

Good luck and be good, hold your mama's hand and drive her home, for goodness sake! LOL, I can just see that whole conversation taking place!!! Too funny you are.

Mechele Armstrong said...

Good luck. I'm a big chicken when it comes to needles. *shudders*

FeyRhi said...

Well it's not really a needle...more like a vibrating knife. (Bet that doesn't make you feel any better.) Now personally I have three tatoos and I can tell you I would never let that damn thing near by eyes!!! *shudder*

She is going to a reputable place right? Make sure they use fresh needles and the place is spotless. If it looks dirty then take her somewhere else. I'm sure the last thing you mama wants is to come out lookin' like Ozzy Osbourn.